finding balance

i find myself in somewhat of a strange position today. awake at around 3 am, with this inexplicable urge to pen down my state of mind right now. under normal circumstances, the feelings that need to be stirring in the pot that is my frazzled self have to be ones borne of guilt, angst, sadness or a linear combination of the above. not today though, today is different. quite recently, my friend informed me of this delightful pair of words that i think should be used in daily parlance, namely “obscure sorrow”, this perchance quaint happiness that words can’t quite explain? yeah, today is one of those days.

so what’s changed? well my brother recently graduated with a masters in telecommunications with his commencement happening on the 20th of last month. the ceremonial aspect of graduation has always been bittersweet, but given that i’ve never really experienced it in full effect (at least not in a conventional sense) the emotional weight of seeing your 25 year old brother graduating was new and unfamiliar. sitting amongst that crowd of people with my family, screaming his name and clapping like one of those marching band toys you’d get for your kid, yeah needless to say i was excited. the celebratory clapping receded, the chatter of the guest speakers playing the role of background noise, and things finally started moving into perspective for me.

all my life, i’ve been waiting for the chance to grow up. when i was in middle school, i would oftentimes look at the things my elder siblings would do and yearn for the chance to perhaps one day become more mature, more responsible and perhaps have a more interesting life. it all seemed so far away, an abstraction of a life far different from mine. looking back, the novelty might have been the main appeal as opposed to some intrinsic unhappiness with my childhood and/or youth. perhaps for a lack of trying, i hadn’t seen it all this while but hearing your siblings name called out on stage to be awarded a diploma thrust me into the realization that i’m finally here. i’m in this position that i’ve waited for all my life, i’m in the institution of university doing the majors i’ve wanted to all my life and it’s only now starting to settle in.

more to follow (stay tuned :))